Sample IRP

Hi kids:

This is an example of a writer with real voice.  I could probably put this under both the "What to do" heading and the "What not to do" heading because this writer trashes his book.  My philosophy is If you don't like a book, don't read it (unless I assign it, of course).  So, without further adieu, I give to you a sarcastic kid who still makes me laugh four years later:

Alec's Incredible Book Report

Alec White's Book Report

For this quarter I decided to turn my attention towards a more 'kid-friendly' book. My librarian suggested "Dork On The Run" by Carol Gorman, I now know my, eighty-two year old, librarian is a dirty, filthy liar. And most likely also a terrorist to kid's imaginations. No joke, choosing this book was the worst decision I, or anyone on this planet has ever made, worse than O.J deciding to visit his ex-girlfriends house. Worse than George Custer saying, "Oh yeah, I can fight those Indians!". Worse than McCain picking Sarah Palin as his running mate. That bad!

This book takes place in a generic suburb at some generic middle school with a generic looking nerd named Jerry Flack.This story is told from the point of view of a third person omniscient narrator. One theme of this story is if your an adult you can publish any book you want about kids going through there transition phase and it will be critically praised, because book critics can't relate to tweens. Seriously, review after review praised this book as "a thoughtful read and a discussion starter." and "I think that this book should be rated 10 out of 10 because of the humor, imaginative ideas and good use of strong words". It's good use of strong words? No. Cloudy with A Chance of Meatballs should be praised for it's good use of strong words, because it's a beginner book for toddlers! Is it too much to ask for a good book for teens with character development, a plot capable of grabbing my interest and not letting go and all the things adult books have! I want to read a book for more reasons then it's use of 'big words' and 'morals'.

Jerry Flack is a nerd, apparently for no reason other than the fact that he wears glasses, Jerry runs for 6th grade president and he's running against Gabe Marshall, apparently a bully for no reason other than the fact that he's good at sports. While at an ice skating rink Jerry fell, how embarrassing! His life is over!, Gabe has a camera and begins snapping photos, this was over a decade ago so no handhelds this kids using a Polaroid, then Female Love-Interest, name I don't remember because my hippocampus is trying to completely erase this emotionally scarring book from my inner psyche where it has severely damaged my chi, tries to stop him and fails. Gabe then takes the photos and turns them into flyers, which he tapes around to the whole school, my theory is that every teacher was listening to the song "Take On Me" by A-ha! simultaneously while this entire plot was unfolding because none of the teachers interfere at all, the students then laugh saying, "I'm not voting for you! Your unbalanced!". I then believe that Gabe hires the mafia to 'rub-out' Jerry, because the next two lighthearted hijinks were as followed two bullies DANGLE HIM OUT OF A TWO STORY WINDOW, on what parallel universe does this story take place? Sixth grade bullies do not dangle other children out of a window! For what? What's the big deal about sixth grade president anyway? Do you get to choose whether to spell tatter tots with two ts or one to save ink? Where are the teachers? They then took photos of him upside down, screaming, crying, terrified then post them on the school, children say, "I'm not voting for you! You were dangled out of a window!" Does Jerry tell a teacher? Do any of the teachers notice these new posters? No. There all too busy dancing to "Fruit Salad" by The Wiggles so they can post it on YouTube. The final hijinks is HOLDING HIM DOWN, AND SHAVING HIS HEAD! The kids say, "I'm not voting for you, you were physically assaulted and your bald!" He then delivers the worst line in the history of literature, "As you can see I got into a hairy situation." At this point I broke down into tears upon realizing that this was a book made Carol Gorman money. I then remembered all the trees that had to die so that this mistake of a book that had to be printed on them. A moment of silence for the trees.

I cannot connect any of these characters to anyone, I or anyone on this planet, knows. I would recommend this book to someone who is being held at knife-point and being forced to read this book, a person who wants to know what it feels like to be a feminist watching "Bride Wars", and I would also recommend this book to Guantanamo Bay prison guards looking for new and innovative ways to torture there prisoners. I would like to make myself clear that I am not knocking all books for our age group such authors as Stephanie Meyers, Sherman Alexie, Suzanne Collins, Kate DiCamillo, J.K Rowling and Judy Blume write excellent books for children. If you want a book that blends an enjoyable plot, and vocabulary R.L Stein kept me entertained as a kid. If you are on mind altering drugs and would like to visit the Devil's, I mean Carol Gorman's, website click here. You can also send her an E-Mail to tell her to stop writing books and to stop breathing here's her E-Mail address, carol@carolgorman.com

Posted by Alec at 11:52 AM